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Time

Time seems to be on my mind a lot lately. Where did the time go that my daughter is now seventeen, but it seems like just yesterday that she was learning to walk? Where did the time go that is already the last month of the year, and what a year it has been? Where did the time go that we are almost halfway through the school year, and yet I am so exhausted? Where did the time go that we are less than a year away from elections that could change the course of our country, and I know I have a lot of work ahead of me to see that change? Where did the time go that I have been in my new home for six months, but it feels like so much longer? Where did the time go?

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Time can fly by in an instant when you want it to last forever. Time can crawl by when you want it to move. Time can be wasted. Time can be cherished. Time can be painful. Time can be joyful. Time can make you cry. Time can make you laugh. Time can be a quiet mind. Time can be demons screaming in your head. Time cannot be controlled, but time can managed by how we fly through it and how we deal with the smooth times and the turbulence.

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Time is going to continue to pass me by and I can either fight it or learn to make the most of each and every minute. My kids will be grown and spreading their wings before I know it, and therefore I need to ensure that I find more ways to spend quality time with them. My job will be there each and every year, and if the passion is gone from that job, then I need to figure out where my new passion is and start doing that. My country will keep growing, and I will have to make sure my voice is heard. My home is my own, and I need to enjoy the small things about it that bring me joy. My life is my own right now more than ever, and I am learning to enjoy the time I spend with myself.

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With each passing year, I learn a little more about how strong I am. With each passing month, I move away from more of the pain that kept me from loving myself. With each passing day, my authentic self is more in command. With each passing minute, my passions are beginning to take the lead. With each passing second, I learn to appreciate my life more than ever. With each passage of time, my warrior is setting me free and I am changing.

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I will embrace the passage of time, for I know that is bringing me towards where the warrior has always known I would go, even when the demons have fought her tooth and nail. I will embrace the passage of time, for I know that I have much to offer those around me, if I learn to trust myself more and ignore the quiet whispers of the demons. I will embrace the passage of time, for I know that those that love me need me to be there for them and them be there for me when the demons are reaching through the cracks. I will embrace the passage of time, for I know that my intentions are good and even if time feels like it is slipping through my fingers because I am fighting my demons. I will embrace the passage of time. I will embrace the time with my kids. I will embrace the time with my family. I will embrace the time with my students. I will embrace the time with my friends. I will embrace the time with my resistance family. I will embrace time.

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Drained

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Tired, exhausted, overwhelmed, stressed, detached, anxious, irritable are all words to describe my current state of being. These are not words I want to be using, but it is my current truth. I want to be back to the state of calm, relaxed, interested, and excited again. I want to feel balanced. I want to feel the positive energy surging through me. I want to feel the passion driving me. I want to feel like I am on the right path. I want to feel like I did only a short time ago. I want to not feel drained.

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Instead,  I feel drained to zero day after day.  I feel the weight of life in my body. I cry over everything. I feel the darkness that used to engulf me trying to sneak back into my life. I feel like giving into the darkness, because that is what I always did in the past. I feel like I am failing at teaching and at mothering. I feel drained.

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Yet, I know I must keep fighting. I know I must listen to my inner warrior goddess. I know I must not give into the darkness. I know I must not doubt that I am doing the best that I can every single day. I know I  must find ways to regain my balance through self care. I know I must trust my path. I know I must find time to do those things that light the fire within my soul. I know I must fight back so that I am not drained.

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I am drained. I am exhausted. I am tired. I am feeling defeated. But, I am strong. I am a survivor. I am resilient. I am going to come out of this better than I was before. I am going to feel balanced again, and not so drained.

 

 

Fight

Fight for your spark
Fight for your flame
Fight for your fire

Fight against the darkness
Fight against the hold
Fight against the demons

Fight to be safe
Fight to be whole
Fight to be happy

Fight to free your warrior
Fight to free your wings
Fight to free yourself

Fight and learn to fly
Fight and learn to soar
Fight and learn to dream

Fight because I need you to
Fight because you want to
Fight because you need to

Fight with the strength I know is in you
Fight like the spitfire I know you are
Fight, baby girl, just start the fight




Strong Is Beautiful

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Strong is beautiful. I have been posting this every time I check in for a workout at my gym. I post this to remind me that I am becoming stronger physically with each visit. I post this to remind myself that my body is strong, even if it is not the right shape or size according to societies standards. I post this to remind myself that I am now able to do things that I wasn’t able even four months ago, and that my mind pushes me to keep going when I want to take a break. I post this to remind myself that this makes me feel better, and that my soul is able to release negative energy with each punch and kick. Lately though,  I feel the words speaking to me on a deeper level. I hear my inner warrior goddess shouting in joy, because she knows that I am finally living this mantra with my mind, body, and soul.

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When I began my journey to getting fit I admit it was to get “skinny” because I did not like what I saw in the mirror. I was ashamed of my stomach, of my thighs, of my arms, and just about every other part of me. I thought that it was my body that made me undesirable to a man who said he loved me. It was the way I looked that kept him from touching me when I needed it most in my life. When I made the choice to start taking care of me, which meant getting active, I began to feel the shift in my image of me. With each step I took, I felt the self doubt begin to fall away. With each step I took, I felt the shame start to melt away. Then I found a place that pushed me with every thirty minute workout and my reason for getting fit began to shift too. With each punch, I was able to beat back the demons who told me I was fat. With each kick, I was able to feel the strength over the warrior inside of me. With each visit I became stronger and stronger physically, but the warrior goddess inside me became stronger and stronger too. With each visit I believed more and more that strong is beautiful.

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As the body grew stronger, the warrior goddess grew stronger and she began to strengthen my mind. She began to change the narrative that had been running on repeat for many years. She began to cage the demons that controlled the narratives. She began to open my eyes to all the things that made me strong. I began to embrace the strength of the power of my mind. I began to embrace the strength that the warrior goddess had always known was inside of me, by changing my narratives. I began to embrace the strength, when I spoke my truth by speaking my mind. I began to embrace the strength, when positive thoughts were the focus. I began to embrace the strength, when I began to believe not only with my mind and body,  but with my soul that strong is beautiful.

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My soul has been battered. My soul has been beaten. My soul has been attacked by those that said they loved me. My soul has stood up each and every time and said we got this. My soul has kept going and pushed me forward, even when my mind and body wanted to curl up and be done. My soul has been my wings to raise me from the ashes. My soul has overcome it all. Yet, I did not know that it was my soul that has always been so strong. I did not know that my soul has always know the truth. I did not know that if I had only listened to my soul I would have seen my strength sooner. I did not know this until I also made my mind and body strong. I did not know this until I saw strength in me on many levels. I did not know this until I started to hear the warrior goddess in me speak the truth. I did not know this until my body felt strong and my mind sounded strong. Only then did I hear my soul say, strong is beautiful.

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I am strong. My body is strong. My mind is strong. My soul is strong. I am no longer afraid. I am no longer ashamed of my body. I am no longer controlled by my demons. I am no longer denying my strength. I embrace my strong body. I am embrace my strong mind. I embrace my strong soul. Strong is beautiful.

Finding Balance

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Balance is the ability to evenly distribution weight in order for someone or something to remain upright and steady. Balance can often feel allusive to me when I am not mindful of just how I am feeling. Balance often feels like this picture to me, with me on the bottom trying to hold it all up on my shoulders.  Balance is hard to find on some days when you are a full time single mom,  a teacher, an activist, a friend, single and looking woman, and a warrior goddess, but always the goal.

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Being able to recognize when things are becoming overwhelming and step back has been huge in helping me keep my balance. I know the signs that I have lost my balance or am dangerously close to doing so. I know that irritability is my body saying you need to let go of that what I cannot control.  I know that fatigue is my body saying slow down and rest.  I know that foggy brain is my body saying you have way to many things your are trying to control. I know that aches mean I need to move my body in exercise to release negative energy. I know all this because I have learned to listen to my body and take the steps to heal. This is balance.

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Putting my needs first is still a struggle, because for to many years to count I always put myself towards the bottom. Putting others needs before my own kept me off balance for years and allowed the demons to remain in control. I am a nurturer to my core, but I didn’t nurture my own soul. I gave love to so many, but yet I didn’t give love to my own soul. I wanted others to be happy, but I didn’t do things to make my soul happy. Then my warrior broke free and I realized that if I nurture my soul, love myself first, and do what makes me happy, that those around me will still get what they need from me, but amplified. That by taking care of me, I am taking care of them. I know listen to my soul, and the warrior is in control. This is balance.

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My mind swirls with how much I need to do to keep everything balanced. My mind spins with jumble of things that need my attention. My mind is tired after a day at work, but knows there is still so much more to do for that day. My mind is exhausted at the end of the week, but knows I have do more on the weekend. Yet, my mind craves conversation that stirs new thoughts and ideas. My mind longs for laughter with friends to counter the stress of the week. My mind desires to hear words of passion. My mind even when exhausted seeks out more to stimulate it to counter the drain. This is balance.

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Finding balance allows us to to be aware of our mind, body, and soul so that we can grow into our true authentic selves. Finding balance allows us to be true to our spirit. Finding balance allows us to take care of our bodies. Finding balance allows us to keep our mind to focus on what needs to be done and find ways to give it a break. Finding balance allows our warrior souls to remain in charge and the demons in cages. Finding balance is hard, but it can be done. Finding balance takes practice, but it can be done. Finding balance may hit obstacles, but it can be done. Finding balance allows you to clear your mind and enjoy the moments. Finding balance allows your body to heal and gives you energy. Finding balance allows your soul to find calm and frees you to love yourself and others authentically. Finding balance allows you to grow in all areas of life. Find your balance and grow. Find your balance.

Through the Cracks

Through the cracks, the self doubt drips.

Through the cracks, the frustration flows.

Through the cracks, anger announces an opening.

Through the cracks, the anxiety attracts the demons.

Through the cracks, fear feeds the demons.

 

Through the cracks, the demon Not Worthy watches with a smile.

Through the cracks, the demon Not Good Enough enjoys my pain.

Through the cracks, the demon Ugly grabs hold of an edge.

Through the cracks, the demon Unlovable smirks with satisfaction.

Through the cracks, the demons try to rise and reclaim their positions.

 

The cracks start to close as the warrior peers down at them with her own smirk.

The cracks start to close as the warrior whispers to them, you will not win.

The cracks start to close as the warrior screams, this is only a glitch.

The cracks start to close as the warrior  breathes out the negative.

The cracks start to close as the warrior whips the demons back with her strength.

 

The cracks are closed for now, but the warrior knows the demons are always watching.

The cracks are closed for now, but the warrior knows the demons will be listening.

The cracks are closed for now, but the warrior knows the demons are waiting.

The cracks are closed for now, but the warrior knows the battle is far from over.

The cracks are closed for now, but the warrior knows she will have to fight them again to keep them from coming through the cracks.

 

 

 

 

Daughter

Daughter, I see your pain and I wish I could take it away.

Daughter, I see your demons and I wish I could fight them for you.

Daughter, I see your anger and I wish I could give you peace.

Daughter, I see you struggle and I wish I could you the tools to lift yourself up.

Daughter, I see you sadness and I wish I could make you smile again.

Daughter, I see you and I wish you could see the warrior within you that I do.

Daughter, I remember your joy and I wish you did too.

Daughter, I remember the fire that burned inside of you and I wish you could make it burn brightly again.

Daughter, I remember your smile that could brighten up anyone’s day and I wish I could see it more often.

Daughter, I remember the warrior that used shine through your eyes and I wish she could break free.

Daughter, I remember the fearless girl you used to be and I wish you could find her again to stand up to your demons.

Daughter, I remember the girl who loved fiercely and I wish you knew that we love you fiercely.

Daughter, I know that I cannot take away your demons, only you can take away their power by naming them.

Daughter, I know that I cannot take away your sadness, only you can do that by changing your mindset.

Daughter, I know that I cannot take away your fears, only you can do that by facing them.

Daughter, I know that I cannot take away your pain, only you can do that by acknowledging it and then letting it go.

Daughter, I know that I cannot take away your anger, only you can do that by realizing that it takes more energy to be angry.

Daughter, I know I cannot take away your struggle, only you can light the fire within and burn away the pain.

Daughter, I hope you know that you are worthy of happiness.

Daughter, I hope you know you stronger than I was at your age.

Daughter, I hope you know that you are beautiful on the inside and outside.

Daughter, I hope you know that capable of making your dreams come true.

Daughter, I hope you know you are a warrior who can win any fight.

Daughter, I hope you know that you are loved beyond measure.